We have been married for 92 days. It seems like such a short period of time but so many things have happened in those three months. We have experiences new things together and gotten to know eachother more. In these three months I have learned these very important things…..
You have to appreciate each other’s strengths and forgive eachothers weaknesses
Your relationship is never going to be 100% equal; there should be no scorecard or a mental tally sheet. You each bring separate things to the table that are not measurable. An example, I hate doing the dishes. I grew up with a dishwasher and the idea of hand washing dishes is completely foreign to me. I’m not saying that I don’t do any housework because I do. I have no problem making the beds, sweeping and cleaning the counters but the dishes are just not my thing. In comparison a completely foreign idea to my husband is planning a trip to see our parents, sending a thank you card or picking out a birthday gift, this is where my area of expertise comes into play. Early in our marriage it was clear what our key strengths were. Kyle is all about building the foundation and I’m all about enhancing our lives. Kyle takes care of the necessities such as feeding the pets and mowing the lawn where I take the dog for walks, brushing the cats out and planting the garden. Each play an important role in our daily lives but highlight our strengths allowing us to appreciate what we each bring to the marriage.
Little things mean the world
I know you have heard this a million times and that’s because its 100% true. As stated above Kyle normally does the dishes but the small task of me coming home early from work and doing the dishes for him brings an instant smile on his face and an instant smile on mine when I can tell he feels appreciated. Kyle likes stop by the store to pick up a bottle of wine for me when he knows I had a rough day just to show me that he cares. So it’s really important to remember that small gestures make a marriage. It’s the constant reminder that you appreciate one another and want to that you want show it.
We each have our own way to express ourselves
I grew up in a family that my dad likes to phrase in this way “All Chiefs and no Indians”. Meaning we all have strong personalities and we all have no problem getting our feelings across. Kyle complete opposite. I have to tell him when he is upset which mostly comes in the form of crabbiness and even then he won’t admit that he is upset for at least another day. When Kyle and I did our pre-marital counseling the pastor told us that when it all comes down to it Kyle needs things to be fair and I need everyone to be happy. This information seems very obvious with our personality types but I make a conscious decision to remember this at the back of my mind at all time because a majority of the time I know that if Kyle is upset that he is feeling as though something is not fair. I often show my emotional state with laziness. Feeling as though things are unsettling of not in harmony mainly makes me discouraged. As our marriage progress’ it’s important that we are able to recognize each other’s emotions and learn the best way to turn each other’s moods around or give each other space to be crabby. This is something I think a lot of couples forget. You can’t be “on” all the time, sometimes you just want to be crabby.
Each day is a memory in the making
I’m a newlywed! Everyone always talks about their first few years of marriage and all the memories they had. It’s a special time that you will always remember. And it is. We are every day making memories that we will tell our children someday. But it’s not just because we are newlyweds. Every day no matter how long you have been married is an opportunity to make a memory. More often than not your favorite memories are the unexpected. Kyle and I waited to go on our honeymoon so we both took a few days off to just relax and decompress from the wedding. I thought it would be needed since it’s a very wonderful but exhausting experience. What I didn’t expect was that those two days of just relaxing together were the two best days of our relationship. We didn’t do anything particularly special. Played mini-golf, went to the zoo, grilled but it was a memory I will keep with me forever
Not every day is perfect
Two Sundays after we got married Kyle and I attended our church together. Our pastor who had just married us the week before was so excited to see us and to announce to the congregation that we had just been married. After we were greeted by the congregation an older woman told us something I will never forget. She told us to do lots of fighting our first year of marriage. She said that if you never fight the first year that means one of you is holding back are not being honest with the other. I thought it was the most amazing advice I had ever been given. She had a point. Your first years of marriage are the years that you build the foundation of your marriage on. They are the years that you learn each other’s buttons, how you handle conflict, what will drive one another crazy. And if you aren’t honest about it how will you work out the differences? It’s not an easy process and there will be bumps but I have never had someone tell me that their first year of marriage was a piece of (wedding) cake
My husband hates new things
This one is more just to commiserate. My husband is a very routine person. He eats the same thing every day, has used the same coffee cup for 10+ years, and refuses to use the new Keurig because his old coffee pot is just fine. And really none of this bothers me, it’s the man I married and I knew what I was getting into. One thing I did not anticipate is all the wedding gifts. We registered together and agreed on what to replace etc. etc. But when everything showed up it was difficult to calm the very noticeable stress coming from my husband and also our dog… who apparently has a very similar temperament to her owner. As a women though I love new things. I love to organize it and make things homey. I had to remind him that the chaos was only temporary and to be patient while we put everything away. Luckily after a month or so everything was in its place and he had survived the great story of June 2013. But there is a lesson to be learned in this. I never dismissed his feelings or anxiety. I never made him feel bad about his attachment to the ways things were. We just moved forward together with some encouragement, some work and a little laughter.